My Hair

Somehow I am having problems finding and loading my hair pictures into this spot. I have a ton of pics and need to get it together. Another thing I realized when going back into this spot, I had gotten away from taking care of and endulging my hair. With that said, let me tell you how in love with my curls I am. I have not permed since January and I am not in the least bit wanting to perm it, nope not even thinking about it. I seriously play in the curlies all day long. Right now I am wearing a semi puff remake. I will upload a picture I promise.
One thing I have noticed, I don't take my vitamins daily as I used to, but I still reap the great benefits. About a month or so ago I stopped everything completly. My nails started peeling and my face really started to look sallow. I only wanted to test to make sure it was my intake that was causing all the changes. It speaks volumes about our intake as an undustrialized nation, or at least mine. I try to eat a good intake and exercise. I keep my weight at a decent level, (that's a forever work in progress) but really I shouldn't be this shocked but I am. I intend to do another test of the products I am using as in quality of name brand vs store brand. Stay tuned.

He loves me

What more to say.

Lust or Love

What exactly is LUST??

I used to believe it was similar to love. Lust as I have come to figure it, is the momentary desire to want something whether you should or shouldn't have it....You have got to have it. However once you have had it, the feeling quickly subsides. I have for the last few years felt this way or that and thought for a fleeting moment that maybe the feeling was something more. I think back now and see very clearly it was just plain ole lust. What I now wonder is why? Why do people, namely me think love first then moments later regret the thought and realize its not? The only conclusion I so far can see is that we lust for some one or thing and think love because that is what we are trained. I was trained to believe everything is love and I must love. I didn't learn the difference until much later in life.

I now believe I was only lusting for my ex-husband. I believe I was so headstrong and immature I didn't want to be the only girl that was single. I was too caught up in having a boyfriend and then being married. Everyone attempted to tell me in their own ways, but it only seemed to make me isolate them from me and made me try even harder to keep the pisspoor excuse of a relationship together. I think I honestly suffocated not only him, but my own self in my own dream like fantasy world. We never had anything in common, and never really wanted the same things in life. Everything was an argument and a true fight always ensued. As I really did deeper, I would venture to say it comes from leaving home so early.

Fade to 1977, my mother met and fell in love with a man I never liked. I had a great childhood prior to this. In March of 1978 they married. The marriage was different as I recall them never really sleeping in the same rooms. They always seemed to argue. He was a mean hateful man and still is to this day. In all these years I mostly remember him for constantly ruining something I enjoyed. I think he just plain got a kick out of it. As an adult now, I can see that pattern he had. I feel guilty if ruining plans my kids have.If my child is doing as they should and I have promised something, yet I decide not to follow through....I think it's wrong. As a parent I not only lead by my example, I verbally teach also.

I think this is where my first lessons were misconstrued. They couldn't teach me love, I have learned through unfortunate trial and error. I know lust.

Lust is what I have lived for the last 20 years. I had my first one and only true love 20 years ago. My daughters father. We had everything in common and got along very well. I was never jealous, nor did I think for a minute that he would lie or cheat on me. He had his friends, I had mine. We enjoyed each others company and that was how it was. Unbeknown to me, he lead a dangerous double life. I don't really remember how I found out, I just know it hurt like hell. I didn't find anything or see anything. He actually just came out and told me, I remember being on the phone with him and asking where he had been lately and why he hadn't called. He had gotten into trouble and now was in the process of clearing his life to make things right."I don't want to be with you anymore" simply put after 1 year. I felt like I couldn't breathe. when people say they feel like they got kicked and the wind knocked out of them.....I understand. I had panic attack like feelings when I was alone. I was on the bus one day and had to get off because I felt like I was about to burst into tears from nothing. Turns out not only was I hurting and depressed, I was pregnant. I was alone, emotional and young.

Fast forward to today. I am faced again with juggling my feelings and deciding what is real. I have so much in common with my fiyah man, I love his company and presence in my life. I am excited when I see him, even if its for a minute at work. The sound of his keys when he enters a room give me butterflies in my stomach. Laying next to him at night is the most at peace I have ever been. I sleep through the entire night. I have not been able to do that since having my children. I have built up walls around myself with excuses for why I am still single, he has surpassed each barrier. With all this why am I still afraid?

My body

I have dropped off, and gained some 10 pounds. I am a little upset with myself, but aware enough to know that I can defeat it now. Only thing I wonder and I know I do it to myself; I constantly tell myself to start on Sunday and when Sunday arrives I begin and the second I slipped up....I gave up. It may be on something as silly as eating a bite of some small something and I think "Oh well, I'm not that fat". However, I come from a family of fatties and must remain on top of it. And thus I begin again.

Him in my life

My fiyah man, what can I say and where to start or end. He is quite simply put, perfection. To try and put my thoughts and feelings into words is quite difficult. I can talk to him about everything. I even spoke and went quickly through this spot here. No one really knows about this blog, I like the anonymity of it. He is handsome, strong, intelligent and gentle all at the same time.

Time for me

Something I have been doing lately, taking time for just me. I quelled almost all of my overtime hours on the weekends. I have started to take my weekends off. Makes fr a happier me. I must have been burned out and didn't really notice it. I worked a zillion hours and still wasn't any further than I am right now. Funny how the more you make the more you spend. I can remember back in 1989 thinking 585. a month was a lot of money, rent was 380. and utilities were minuscule to say the least. Oops of subject again. Um, extra hours. Well, I figure the most I will do for now is 12 maybe 16 over. Its enough to be extra and enough to play with.

My fiyah man

He is wonderful, its so strange to meet someone that thinks like you do and can articulate your thoughts. I will tell you I am the first to say it, I can be overly critical and brash at times. Tonight, we talked a long time about everything. I am a bit apprehensive that I have such feelings about him, I am concerned that it's lust.