Lust or Love

What exactly is LUST??

I used to believe it was similar to love. Lust as I have come to figure it, is the momentary desire to want something whether you should or shouldn't have it....You have got to have it. However once you have had it, the feeling quickly subsides. I have for the last few years felt this way or that and thought for a fleeting moment that maybe the feeling was something more. I think back now and see very clearly it was just plain ole lust. What I now wonder is why? Why do people, namely me think love first then moments later regret the thought and realize its not? The only conclusion I so far can see is that we lust for some one or thing and think love because that is what we are trained. I was trained to believe everything is love and I must love. I didn't learn the difference until much later in life.

I now believe I was only lusting for my ex-husband. I believe I was so headstrong and immature I didn't want to be the only girl that was single. I was too caught up in having a boyfriend and then being married. Everyone attempted to tell me in their own ways, but it only seemed to make me isolate them from me and made me try even harder to keep the pisspoor excuse of a relationship together. I think I honestly suffocated not only him, but my own self in my own dream like fantasy world. We never had anything in common, and never really wanted the same things in life. Everything was an argument and a true fight always ensued. As I really did deeper, I would venture to say it comes from leaving home so early.

Fade to 1977, my mother met and fell in love with a man I never liked. I had a great childhood prior to this. In March of 1978 they married. The marriage was different as I recall them never really sleeping in the same rooms. They always seemed to argue. He was a mean hateful man and still is to this day. In all these years I mostly remember him for constantly ruining something I enjoyed. I think he just plain got a kick out of it. As an adult now, I can see that pattern he had. I feel guilty if ruining plans my kids have.If my child is doing as they should and I have promised something, yet I decide not to follow through....I think it's wrong. As a parent I not only lead by my example, I verbally teach also.

I think this is where my first lessons were misconstrued. They couldn't teach me love, I have learned through unfortunate trial and error. I know lust.

Lust is what I have lived for the last 20 years. I had my first one and only true love 20 years ago. My daughters father. We had everything in common and got along very well. I was never jealous, nor did I think for a minute that he would lie or cheat on me. He had his friends, I had mine. We enjoyed each others company and that was how it was. Unbeknown to me, he lead a dangerous double life. I don't really remember how I found out, I just know it hurt like hell. I didn't find anything or see anything. He actually just came out and told me, I remember being on the phone with him and asking where he had been lately and why he hadn't called. He had gotten into trouble and now was in the process of clearing his life to make things right."I don't want to be with you anymore" simply put after 1 year. I felt like I couldn't breathe. when people say they feel like they got kicked and the wind knocked out of them.....I understand. I had panic attack like feelings when I was alone. I was on the bus one day and had to get off because I felt like I was about to burst into tears from nothing. Turns out not only was I hurting and depressed, I was pregnant. I was alone, emotional and young.

Fast forward to today. I am faced again with juggling my feelings and deciding what is real. I have so much in common with my fiyah man, I love his company and presence in my life. I am excited when I see him, even if its for a minute at work. The sound of his keys when he enters a room give me butterflies in my stomach. Laying next to him at night is the most at peace I have ever been. I sleep through the entire night. I have not been able to do that since having my children. I have built up walls around myself with excuses for why I am still single, he has surpassed each barrier. With all this why am I still afraid?